Chapter Fifteen: The Lie

After getting my strength up and trying to not bust out into tears, I told her, "The dog got loose and had to go get him." She said she was sorry, and I walked in and went straight to the bathroom. I looked into the mirror to make sure there were no signs of him hitting me, and didn't see anything and walked out to the living room and sat down with my sister and started watching Saturday morning cartoons, but going over the nightmare I had just experienced in my head.

After a little bit I began to feel wetness in my pants and decided I need to go see what it was and I went to the bathroom. After pulling my pants off, I noticed blood running down the back of my leg and took a shower to clean myself of the filth I was feeling. There is no way to describe the pain I was feeling in my anus. It felt like someone took a red hot poker and shoved it up as far in my ass as they could put it.

After I got cleaned up, I told my grandmother I wanted to take a nap. She said OK., After going into her room, I laid down and tried to fall asleep, but couldn't. For one, my ass, was still incredibly painful. Two, I simply couldn't get the ordeal out of my head.

Finally, Sunday came and my parents drove over to pick me and Cinnamon up to take us home. When I got into the car, my mom could sense something was off, and asked "Are you OK, Tom?". I looked into her eyes, and wanted to tell her, but simply couldn't. I just told her, "I am fine", and she said OK, and we drove off.

Over the next few weeks, I kept the whole thing to myself, and went on with life. But life was different for me now, and I went into a huge depression and I was experiencing nightmares and flashbacks. Flashbacks or what are sometimes called, an involuntary recurrent memory, is a psychological phenomenon in which an individual has a sudden and usually powerful, re-experiencing of a past experience or elements of a past experience and causes the person to "relive" the experience and feels like it is happening in "real time".

Over time I had my own whenever certain events, smells, sights, sounds, would trigger my own flashbacks. To this day, I sometimes will see someone who looks like my attacker, or I will smell something similar to what I experienced that day, or even certain tastes or sounds and that will trigger flashbacks that instantly transport me back to the nightmare of my attack.

But one of the worst places that caused the worst flashbacks for me was using public bathrooms. One of the huge side effects of this was developing a "shy bladder". If I needed to go pee while out in pubic, I would go to use the facility but when I got in, I would either see a person that looked like my attacker, or smell something that reminded me of him or the bathroom, and I simply froze in my place while I experienced my flashback, causing huge delays in time while using the bathroom, and people would be knocking and yelling for me to hurry up, and so I would just leave without every using it. So in most cases, I would have to hold it, until I got home from long trips, to feel safe enough in my mind to finally go pee.

Another side effect, was I was not wanting anyone to touch me. After that incident, I didn't do anymore Playboy Fort, no more touching Steven, nothing. I became basically a hermit and didn't leave my room. Also I started eating more and doing less, and started gaining weight. After a few weeks, and me getting larger, my parents sat me down, and asked if anything was wrong.

I decided to admit to some of what happened. But not all of it. I told them, the guy was walking down the alley and made me give him oral sex and then chased me off using a slingshot. They got furious that I didn't say anything sooner. They called the police and had the police come over so I could give a statement. After getting my statement, the police said they would drive out to the lied about location and let us know if they could find the man. I knew they wouldn't since I told them a lie about it. The one regret about the lie, was the man would be free to rape other people, and I am sorry to this day about that.

But that still didn't stop me from going into deeper into my depression. Finally something very unexpected happened that helped turn the entire situation around and would forever give me purpose again .