Chapter Thirty: Cocteau Twins

The scariest part about being raped is not knowing if they will kill you afterwards. Once they don't, there is relief, but the pain, the horror of it and the embarrasement of what they did, lingers. For Life. But my situation was different, in that this was the second time I have been raped and this time it occured in a place and time where I felt embarrased to report it. I didn't want to hear from my parents or the police words like, "well you shouldn't have been a place that like that", so I kept what I had gone through to my self.

But this meant I had to deal with the stigma myself, so the next morning, I just went for a walk and started thinking about the attack. My first thought after was how fast the entire rape was. I also don't know how long he had been standing there, what he was looking at while he was standing there, and I simply do not understand what it was about me that made him so turned on, that he had to force himself on to me. I suddenly got very cold.

I decided I needed to get some new music to get my mind off what had happened and took the number 9 bus to Tower Records in Portland, Oregon. For me, music has always been the way I deal with pain like this and decided I needed some new music and decided to take a trip to Tower Records to see if I could find something new. Well little did I know that trip would change my life forever in two very important ways. And I would find my redemption as well.

Tower Records had a section called Imports. These were albums by artists from different places of the world who hadn't been signed by a United States record label. If the album became popular, sometimes that musician would be picked up by a record label in America. When I walked in, I went over to that section and leafed through the albums to see if I could find something good. I then came across an album called "Head Over Heels" by a band called Cocteau Twins. I turned it over, and found it odd there were no song titles or credits of any kinds, so I decided on that one.

There were some new songs I heard I also wanted to buy and walked over to that area of the store, and as I walked over, I looked into the Classical Room and that was when I saw Mark, for the very first time. I have always had a certain type of guy or girl I have found the most attractive, and to me Mark, was simply what I would consider the most attractive. After getting shocked over the beauty of this man, I went over to the register and bought that album.

After putting the album on, I knew I was hooked on it after hearing it for the first time. And when I finished I decided to go back to see if there was any other albums out by this group and discovered their first album, Garlands and their first EP called Sunburst And Snowblind. I also saw that man again in the classical room and really wanted to get to meet him.

After getting the two albums, I went to the house and became a lifetime fan and realized how much the music was healing me. And overtime, Cocteau Twins has become my favorite group, and the lead singer, Elizabeth Fraser is simply my favorite vocalist, male or female of all time. I have been blessed to say I have seen them 4 times, but why? What about them do I like to much?

Cocteau Twins give me a sense of empowerment over the rapes I have received in my life and they help relieve me of the stress I was feeling from the rapes, by taking my mind completely off those events and I became focused on the voice of Elizabeth Fraser and the music of Robin Guthrie. Cocteau Twins began in Scotland and their name is based from an old Simple Minds song.

So in one night I went from experiencing a horrific rape to discovering what would be my favorite singer off all time and I would soon find who would be my lifelong partner, Mark. Soon after keep going back to get more music, but mainly to keep my eye on Mark, I got hired, like I mentioned in earlier chapters. So here we are, we are now at the point where after I made love to Mark, and now will proceed with our lives after.