Chapter Forty-One: The End Of Mark, Part Three: The End

His mother and brother and I were told to leave the room and to go to the waiting room and someone would get us once they get him breathing again. They did, but it did not look good for Mark. I knew in my gut, he was dying. I was told over and over, no, he willl recover, it's just going to take some time, but I knew. He was too good for this world, and to me, and I knew that whatever force brought us together, decided to separate us at this time. I knew it then and I know it now.

I decided to go back home to Portland. I simply couldn't take looking at him like that. And I did not want to see him die like that. I did not want to have forever the memory of him taking his last breath, because I knew that fate was set into motion, he was going to die and there was nothing I could do to stop it. So I went back to work, and waited for the phone call I knew was coming.

After about another week, of me calling his mom and brother to get updates, I came home to my mom's house and I had a friend of mine and I walked in and mom said I had a phone call saying that someone had died. I called the number, and it was Mark's mom telling what I knew would happen, but didn' want to hear it. Mark was dead. Gone. Forever.

With that news I set the phone back into the cradle and I started crying, and crying, and crying and crying. I couldn't stop. I have never cried so hard and so loudly in all my life. My parents and sister, Cinnamon and my friend were all trying to console me, there was nothing they could do to stop the pain I was feeling. I just lost my best friend, my soul mate, my Prince Charming, My Mark.

Finally after a few more minutes I told myself, to stop it. Right now. Stop crying. And I did. It was like a dam all of sudden being plugged up. After I stopped, my mom asked what was that all about and told her that Mark had died and she was shocked, but I had pretty much kept my entire relationship with Mark a secret from my family. They met him once, but that was it. I never let in on what we had and did together on a regular basis. He was my little secret from the world, but that tragedy set into motion something I regret, that no one knew how I felt about him.

The funeral was the following week. I went and he was cremated, I threw a ring he gave me into his casket before the cremation so a part of me, was with him forever. His mom got most of the ashes, his brother got some and they gave me some. I decided to take my portion to the place that meant the most to us, I took him to Riverplace in Portland, Oregon, and spread his ashes.

Riverplace is a area of downtown Portland that is the most southern part of Tom McCall Waterfront Park and when you get to the end, there is a long walking path that takes you out to the middle of the Willamette River, and once you get to the end there are a series of benches. Me and Mark used to like to go down there to just get away from everyone and everything and just watch the sunset and listen to the city roll bye. Sometimes we would bring books and hang out there for hours. Sometimes we kissed ,and sometimes we just held hands.

I went out to that area with his ashes by myself and took the small little box his ashes were in and opened it up and held him tight and said these words to him: "Darling, thank you for all you did for me and I will love you forever, and I will join you as soon as I can. Take care, my love and I will never forget your eyes." With those words, I took the box and started emptying the contents into the river and as I did so, I saw some crows who had been watching me, come down and take some of him in their mouths and took him into the sky with them. And I remembered a favorite song of ours by Sade called the Kiss Of Life. And in the song there are these lyrics:

"There must have been an angel by my side Something heavenly led me to you Look at the sky It's the color of love"

And as I watched the crows taking Mark into the sky with them, I said yes, the sky is the color of love but the crows are repainting the sky with the love of Mark. So to me, when I look up at the sky everyday, I see Mark.

After crying to myself and sitting there for awhile longer I walked off, and went to the bridge across the street and decided I needed to join him. There was simply no way I could continue this life without him. I looked into the water and started looking for the best time to jump. As I kept looking at the water, I started thinking of all the music I love. And I simply couldn't leave this Earth without hearing more music, and it was at that moment, I realized music was saving me again, and I walked away and went home and into my new life without Mark.